Leaders- stop trying to SOLVE Conflicts.....guidance from a mediator

Believe it or not each time your team has a disagreement, it offers them an opportunity for growth. The hard part is allowing the growth to take place.
Think back to the last time your team had an argument.  Could you feel the tension increasing? Did people start voicing their positions, arguing their points, stop really listening to each other, and maybe even get louder in their attempt to be heard? What was your reaction as their team leader?

Did you quickly try to get things back on track? Did you restate the agenda, aimed at getting everyone to refocus on the task at hand? Did you offer some quick solutions hoping everyone would accept them?
Did it work? If not, let me offer you some guidance as a trained mediator, that can help the next time an argument or conflict occurs. 

1- We Yell To Be Heard
Think about the last time you were in an argument and voices started to raise. One of the most valuable lessons I learned early on as a mediator, is that people often "yell to be heard". Therefore, if our automatic reaction is to tell them to "stop yelling" they will typically respond with " I am not yelling. I am just stating my point".  They will continue to talk with a raised voice, and with little regard for how it is impacting others. 
As frustrating as it may be to be on the receiving end of someone yelling at you, the best reaction is to remain calm. This will enable you to  paraphrase the words they are using and help them to feel heard. An example would be-  "So I hear you saying that you need more time to work on the project." Taking this approach will allow them to recognize they are being heard, ands slowly the emotional outbursts will dissipate and a more productive conversation begins. It will be your role as a leader, to teach your team this skill. 

2- Be a Mediator Not A Leader
As a leader, you can use the paraphrasing technique to effectively start to mediate a team dispute.  If two parties are yelling and clearly NOT hearing each other, interject only to mediate and paraphrase the dialogue. "Jack, I heard you say that you are frustrated with the multiple projects. It sounds like you are feeling rushed and concerned the quality of your work is being jeopardized. Is that right?" Once Jack agrees to the context of the statement, ask the other person to repeat what they heard. Although it may seem redundant, it actually helps to ensure each side is listening. Then ask the other person to share their thoughts/frustrations and repeat the paraphrasing process. Don't be tempted to offer solutions or interject your ideas. Your role is to mediate, encourage and model respectful dialogue, and not lead the discussion.

​ 2-We Offer Solutions Without Understanding the Issues 
Interpersonal conflict amongst employees often has very deeply rooted issues linked to past behaviour and interactions, that are not easily resolved. However, our typical managerial way of dealing with them tends to be solution-based rather than interest-based. Hence when we hear an argument, we are tempted to try and offer early “solutions” however we don't yet understand the issues. 

As team leads it is often very difficult for you to know what is beneath the conflict. You may be unaware of other issues that have occurred between the parties involved, causing feelings of mistrust, disrespect, miscommunication, and frustration. Often the argument you hear is just the "tip of the iceberg" . What you really want to do is figure out what needs and interests lie beneath it.  You can start by asking some open ended questions, and then actively listening to their answers. What kind of  interests are they expressing? Often you will start to hear the emotions behind the words... and their need for things like respect, autonomy, security, inclusion, and fairness. This will allow you to reframe their negative comments allowing them to be  more easily understood by the other party. For example -you can take a comment like "He never listens to anything I say. He just rushes ahead with his decisions" and reframe it to sound like "So it sounds like you want to feel heard and ensure your ideas are considered before a decision is made?"  If you haven't got the reframing quite right, they will correct you and reframe themselves. The key part is that you are demonstrating you are listening, and trying to understand their needs and interests. Again you will ask the other party to react to what they have heard, and offer their own insight. As the parties start to communicate more effectively, you can encourage them to reframe their own comments if they slip back into negative and blaming language. You will not have to continue to interject.

3- People Need To Talk To Each Other and Not to You
​Often when people start to argue they will try to get you, their leader, on their "side". It is very easy to get caught up in this webbed dynamic, and find yourself acting as a go-between, negotiating for each side, trying to help by offering viable solutions and compromises. However, this is not an effective way to resolve a conflict and create understanding. Instead, you need to get out from in the middle of the argument and start mediating it from the sidelines. The role of a mediator is a neutral one. Your goal is to get the two sides talking to each other and NOT to you. Although at the beginning you may have needed to use paraphrasing and reframing to help the two sides start to "hear" each other and feel "heard", now that they are listening, you need to back away and offer only guidance. Each time someone turns to you to say "He did this, she did that" , ask them to speak to that person directly and explain to them the meaning behind their comments. All of the sudden you will hear the tone change. Now they will have to start their statements with "when you do this, I feel this...." If the other party immediately jumps back with "well you did this", ask them to stop, remind them to paraphrase what they heard the other person say. Once you have orchestrated this back and forth more respectful and meaningful dialogue, allow them to discuss new options and ideas on their own. The less you talk , the better. 

4-You May Not Agree With Their Solutions 
This is probably one of the hardest lessons to learn. After all, as the leader you have already "been around the block". You know what has worked in the past, and how things can be resolved effectively. It is REALLY difficult to sit back and hear your team offer up solutions that are different than ones you may have wanted to propose. However, the real win is that they are talking to each other, addressing each other's needs, and finding viable solutions. This is where you will see the real growth occur if you can just stay on the sidelines.
Even if the solutions they came up with were not the best, and eventually need some revamping, that's ok. In fact, this will create yet another opportunity for discussion. Your role again will be to mentor them as they learn to  identify the new needs and interests, ensure people are paraphrasing and reframe their "positions", speaking to each other respectfully, and working together to find a new solution.  Your role as their leader is not to solve the conflicts, but merely facilitate healthy conversations and in turn, a healthy team.  
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If you would like to learn more about the author Carrie-Lynn Hotson, her HR consulting and leadership coaching business Inspiring Organizational Growth, or her book Knowing Who You Lead, please visit her website www.inspiringorganizationalgrowth.co/home